Posts tagged ‘humor’

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Big Shoes to Fill

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…literally! Not bragging or anything…

False Visions of a Diaper-Free Home

Mason is 21+ months old now. Boys his age do an awful lot! Mason runs about the house, bounces on the bed, fiddles with the remote and eats like both a horse and a bird, depending on the day and meal. He sure is a handful. He’s also a diaper full!

I’ve written a lot about poop, and as a dad, I’m entitled to every stinking word of it. It’s a scientifically known fact: the older a child gets, the more pungent the aroma of their dirty deposits. Talk with just about any parent about this, and the conversation is sure to steer to…

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POTTY TRAINING!

We started thinking of potty training about 2 months ago. Mason somehow got into the habit of getting out of the tub, finding a certain spot in the bathroom floor and…relieving himself. Like any optimistic parents, we ran out and bought a kiddie potty. “Mason will be using this in no time!” I thought. I envisioned light at the end of a very stinky tunnel…a tunnel to a land of storage space in Mason’s room and a sudden drop in the need for baby powder and air freshener. Such a blissful thought! I was getting overwhelmed…so much joy! Tears of joy! So much emo–

*STOMP STOMP STOMP* BA LA LA LAAAA BAA!! *STOMP STOMP STOMP*

–and then Mason ran by with the soft seat of the kiddie potty on his head, smiling and babbling loudly. Sigh…oh well.

The day will come when potty training will become a serious project. Hopes will be spawned and dashed with every potty sit or soiled diaper. It’s gotta happen one way or another. Mason, my boy, I have complete faith in your intestinal intelligence! Go get ’em, son! 🙂

One Little Monkey Jumping on the Bed

Oh Boy…

Every home needs a bounce house to prevent bed bouncing!

In the past few weeks, Mason has learned that mattresses are springy, and that springs are bouncy. He’s such a sensory-focused little guy! Every morning before leaving for daycare, all he wants to do is get on Mommy & Daddy’s bed and hop, hop hop! Of course, it’s a double-edged sword, bouncing on the bed. No parent wants to condone such raucously negative behavior, but the smile on Mason’s face makes it impossible to deny him. I’m such a bad daddy.

Mason still uses a crib, but he’s starting to bounce there too. I’m sure it won’t be long before he’s bouncing right OUT of the crib. Can someone recommend some good floor padding to prevent skull fracture?

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Clowning Around

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Wow…it’s been almost three weeks! Sorry! I took on a new role at work, and it’s making me exhausted at night! I’m doing my best to fit it all in. Hmm…good idea…
Anyway, a couple weeks ago I picked Mason up from daycare. His provider said she had trouble buttoning his overalls, so I took the liberty of fixing the issue when I got home. What I created was a clown-pants catastrophe. Mason wouldn’t stop fidgeting and wouldn’t let me take his hat off, either. I flipped on the TV so he could watch some DVR’d Chuggington and stay still. I saw him standing in his client glory and couldn’t resist. Damn you, snap buttons!

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Signs Your Child Has Been Up to No Good

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I still don’t know what it was, but Mason found/made it and put it on the toilet for me to find. This I know: it’s not a raisin, but I don’t think it’s what everyone thinks it is, either. I threw it away, so I guess we’ll never know!

Toddlers & Toilets

Those of you who follow me on Twitter may notice I have been tweeting about the toilet lately. Mason loves playing with liquid, as has been shown in the past. The toilet is no exception. The boy has known how to flush the throne since he was able to crawl. It would often be the answer to the question “where is he?”

  • Mommy: Where’s Mason?
  • Daddy: I dunno…
  • *FLUSH!*
  • (Daddy sighs, gets up to retrieve spawn)

Of course, Mason is now able to open the toilet. Why a still pool of water fascinates this kid, I’ll never know. Actually, maybe still water bothers him, which would explain why he finds it necessary to stick his hands in it. What’s even worse is that Mason likes to flush again and again and again. I swear I can hear the toilet cry for mercy.

"No, Mason, please don't...no. No! NOOOOOOO!"

Thankfully, Mason hasn’t yet figured out that anything you put in the toilet can be flushed down it. Not so thankfully, Mason hasn’t yet figured out that relocating him outside the bathroom and closing the door is not going to kill him, so he screams as if it will.

So what could be worse than a kid flushing a toilet over and over? A kid who wants to flush it over and over while Mommy or Daddy is using it! Awesome! We have two options:

  • A: Allow Mason in the restroom with us and try to do our business while keeping him from flushing and creating…unusual sensations and awkward actions
  • B: Close the door when using the bathroom like all normal people and let him scream bloody murder.

Tough choice, right? But maybe, just maybe, there is an option C in here…

Mommies and Daddies, I give you…

Hmm...this just might do the trick!

THE OUTHOUSE!

Hey, I didn’t say it would be a good, sensible solution, did I? Sure, it doesn’t fix the endless flushing problem, or the water play issue, but at least it allows Mommy and Daddy to heed nature’s call the way it was intended….ALONE!

Somehow, someday, some way, Mason will soon begin potty training (I’m walking in blind here, so any tips or fair warnings are appreciated). I feel bad for pulling him away from the toilet so much when I know I’ll soon be encouraging him to use it. The conflicted parenting stuff is what’s hardest. Oh well, at least it doesn’t create a crap load of trouble if I mishandle this lesson…oh, wait…

Five Parental Hazards & How To Avoid Them

Avoid DADDY DANGER!

Now that Mason is walking, running, climbing, learning to throw things, etc., I’ve become concerned about my own safety around the house, not just his. If Mommy and Daddy aren’t healthy and well to take care of him, he’s in danger! That’s why I’m putting warning signs all around the house to warn us about the potential hazards that surround us. Sure, they may look silly, but lives are at stake here!

Here are five ordinary warning signs we see in the outside world that can be adapted for use in the home.

Warning Sign #1: SLOW DOWN

Warning #1: SLOW DOWN!

Purpose: This is pretty straight forward. Toddlers are everywhere, and they come out of nowhere. Move too quickly, and you accidentally knee your kid in the head and feel awful about it.

Locations: Place this sign at sudden turns in the hallway, on doors that children could lurk behind…anywhere a fast move could cause a concussion.

Warning Sign #2: TRAINS ON TV

Warning #2: TV TRAIN ALERT!

Purpose: Little boys (and even some little girls) love trains. Not just in the living room, but on TV. Wouldn’t you know it, Disney has this market cornered. Mason loved watching Chuggington every morning. Second only to Special Agent Oso, this show causes Mason to concentrate on cartoons…and get angry when said concentration is broken. This sign keeps your kid from screaming for no good TV-related reason.

Locations: This sign is best placed wherever your TV is located. Stop and look both ways for trains on TV, proceed with caution.

Warning Sign #3: HAVE A NICE TRIP!!

Warning #3: WATCH YOUR STEP!

Purpose: Toddlers make messes. Toddlers destroy clean areas. Toddlers throw toys. Little toys. Toys that tall people don’t see easily. Being warned to watch where you step prevents toe stubbings, trips, foot punctures, and other things that make mommies and daddies curse and cry. I’m sure parents know all too well the pain of LEGOs. Enough said.

Locations: Place this sign anywhere you have more than three feet of open floor space between you and any destination that may lay before you. Those painful suckers can lurk anywhere!

Warning Sign #4: INCOMING!!!

Warning #4: WET FLOOR!!

Purpose: After numerous spills of significance, I find it a personal responsibility to warn fellow parents of the growing threat of massive spills. Spills are easy to slip on and hard to prevent, but with proper placement, this warning sign can be used to bring awareness to liquid terror.

Locations: Post in the kitchen, near your kid’s high chair, and on every liquid container your kid could possibly ever get their hands on. Consider an evacuation route to escape the house in a quick manner as well.

Warning Sign #5: DON'T BREATHE!!

Warning #5: P… *GASP* U!!!

Purpose: This sign warns parents of the most vile, disgusting toxin in the household: the stinky diaper. I’m sure thousands of parents each year pass out from the sheer potency of toddler feces. Let’s also not forget guests who may be in the residence at the time of a nuclear deposit. Warning people of the silent suffocator is just the right thing to do.

Locations: Post this sucker near the diaper changing area, near the diaper disposal unit, on the diaper disposal unit…even on your little one’s bottom. Excrement is dangerous and unpredictable. Use extreme caution…the sign can’t help you once it all comes out.

With these signs in place, your home will be a safer place for you to enjoy your child’s life, and for you to be a better parent. Remember…if you aren’t aware, you take the dare! Don’t succumb to the parental hazards of the home!

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